I`ve been living in London for quite some time, around 11 years, when something felt out of place and everything seemed to go down hill. I never felt like I fit in as a foreigner anyway but this time I was swimming against the current. I was struggling financially, couldn`t change my career and I was stuck in a job I didn't want anymore; communication with people around me was hard as I was under the impression that no one understands me. I was a magnet for narcissistic partners and I was getting exhausted from trying to please everyone.
The relationships I once had were falling apart as I felt the need of Solitude. I start feeling drawn to writing, especially poetry, nature, Astrology and Divination. Spending time outdoors made me feel calmer and free so I start travelling around London, hiking, walks in the woods. I was in a constant search of something I couldn`t find.
My body was also telling me that something is not right. Dizzy spells and nausea
out of nowhere, excruciating pain in my feet, insomnia and very strange dreams, gaining weight because of the emotional eating, extremely sensitive to sounds, light and tastes, mood swings.
First time when my anxiety started to play tricks on me, I was on my way to work trying to take the Underground. I was going down to the platform when these crowds of people were coming up the steps towards me.That instant I felt like I was hit by a heatwave and out of nowhere I started to sweat. Than dizziness kicked in, mixed with a fear of fainting in public. The next minute I grabbed my throat as I was struggling to breath. Now, everyone knows a Panic Attack can`t kill you but when it happens you do feel like you will die. I knew I had to get out of there and the moment i was out of the Station, even if I was a bit shaky by the experience, the fact that I was away from the crowds made me feel more comfortable and able to breath again. The same experience I had at the Supermarket while shopping, at the museum, Cinema, clubs and bars were a definitely No No.
When the panic attacks started I knew i had to see a doctor. After having all the tests done I was told that medically was nothing wrong with me. I do suffer of Social Anxiety but my problem is more Spiritual. At the time I just ignored everything as I couldn`t understand how all of these is linked, hoping will go away but over the years I experienced things that logically make no sense and I start to solve the puzzle that was my life by putting the small experiences and encounters together.
One late evening while waiting for my bus, a man approached me and looking closer I realized he was a priest. He told me "You struggle now but make sure you follow your Path and everything will be OK". That encounter made me question everything that was going on in my life and I start looking for answers and of course
the best way to do that is by surfing the internet.
That was my first step in discovering who I am and what was happening to me. First time when I was reading about Spiritual Awakening, which is what was going on with me; being an Empath, which explains my mood swings and my sensitivity to taste,sounds and light; grounding and cleansing.
After removing myself from everyone and everything I was finally able to think about myself, concentrate on myself and my well being. This helped me do the work it needed to be done in order to Heal all the wounds that my Past created. The best Therapy for me was writing and I start writing poetry. After writing two very dark poems I wanted something more challenging and that is how my first idea for a fiction book came to life.
The book it`s based on Celtic Mythology and I had to do a lot of research which involved a bit of traveling around Scotland. Of course the best way to document your research especially when it`s about places, it`s with a camera and that`s how my journey in Photography started. With my first camera, a Nikon D3300 and ever since was my companion on my Spiritual Journey and witnessed all my adventures.
Please keep an eye on my blog as next time I`ll reveal about my Spiritual Connection to Scotland and my first travel experience to Scotland.